"I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country."
 Nathan Hale
%
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself."
 Franklin D. Roosevelt
% 
"Great Spirits Have Always Encountered Violent Opposition From
 Mediocre Minds"
 Albert Einstein
% 
"Assassination is the extreme form of censorship."
 George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%
"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares
 that it is his duty."
 George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%
"We want a few mad people now. See where the sane ones have landed us!"
 George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%
"What, ME worry?"
 Alfred E. Newman, MAD Magazine
%
"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I dunno Brain, but where are we going to get rubber pants at this hour?"
 Pinky and the Brain, Animaniacs/Warner Brothers
%
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!"
 (from 'Existential Blues')
%
"Nazis - I hate these guys!"
 Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) from 'Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade'
%
"The only reason this parrot was sitting on its perch is because it was
 nailed there!"
 John Cleese (Monty Python) 'The Parrot Sketch'
%
"Do you KNOW who *I* AM???"
"Why, did you forget?"
 Yacko Warner in retort to unknown famous person, 'Animaniacs'
%
"Now we are all sons of bitches"
 Robert Oppenheimer, scientist and co-inventor of atomic bomb.
%
"What's this?"
"It's a vomit bag"
"Aww, I've been gypped!  There's NONE IN HERE!"
 Wacko Warner next to businessman on airplane, 'Animaniacs'
%
"I am NOT schizophrenic" "YES, you ARE" "SHUT UP!"
 Robin Williams, unknown comedy sketch
%
"Great Scott!"
 Christopher Lloyd (Dr. Emmet Brown), "Back to the Future" I, II, and III
%
"I'll be back..."
 Arnold Swarzenegger, "Terminator" I and II
%
"You bastard!"
"And then some..."
 Bruce Willis and Damian Wayans, 'The Last Boy Scout'
%
"And you know it is a fool, who plays it cool, by making the world 
 a little colder"
 Paul McCartney (The Beatles), 'Hey Jude'
%
(reporters) "Can you sing a song for us?"
(in chorus) "NO!"
(John Lennon) "You have to give us money first!"
 The Beatles, in an interview as they got off the plane in America in 1964
%
"He's like a turd that won't flush!"
 The "Deacon of the 'deez" in 'Waterworld'
%
(Beavis)   "Which would you rather do, slide down a razor-blade bannister
            into a tub of alcohol, or kiss a lady politician on the mouth
            with tongue?"
(Butthead) "Who is the politician"
(Beavis)   "Patricia Schroeder"
(Butthead) "How long is the bannister?"
 'Imus in the Morning' parody of 'Beavis and Butthead' ca 1995
%
"There are no secrets any more."
 Art Bell, in reference to Reverse Speech and David John Oates
%
"Hello, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not."
 Chevy Chase, 'Saturday Night Live' in various 'evening news' sketches
%
"I am not a crook!"
 Richard M. Nixon
%
"There's nothing to fear but fear itself"
 Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The buck stops here!"
 Harry S. Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your
 country"
 John F. Kennedy
"The buck never got here!"
 parody of Bill Clinton by Rush Limbaugh
%
(psychologist) "Why do you do those things to yourself?"
(Officer Riggs) "Who else can I do it to? Nobody else will let me do it 
                 to THEM!"
 Mel Gibson in 'Lethal Weapon II'
%
(man at bridge) "What is your name?"
(king arthur)   "King Arthur"
(man at bridge) "What is your quest?"
(king arthur)   "I seek the Holy Grail"
(man at bridge) "What is the average wind velocity of the unladen swallow?"
(king arthur)   "African or European?"
(man at bridge) "I don't know... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!"
 'Bridge Scene' from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
"Whenever I am given the choice between two evils, I always select 
 the one I haven't tried before."
Mae West
%
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
 Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
 Robin Williams
% 
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
 boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
 Christopher Case
% 
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
 it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
 should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
 before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
 Bob Ettinger
% 
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
 where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
 sister's house and ask her for money."
 Kevin Meaney
% 
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
 know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
 psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
 to kill you too.'"
 Jake Johansen
% 
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
 Dick Cavett
% 
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
 Garry Shandling
% 
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
 Rita Rudner 
% 
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
 camera and come help me."
 Bobcat Goldthwait
% 
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
 they can find Kuwait."
 A. Whitney Brown
%
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
 Michael McShane
%
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
 I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is
 that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
 Jon Stewart
% 
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
 and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
 Paula Poundstone
% 
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
 single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
 people burn slower?"
 Warren Hutcherson
% 
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
 were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting
 yourself in the head to stop your headache."
 Jack Mayberry
% 
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
 other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
 locks, they are always locking three."
 Elayne Boosler
% 
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on
 myself."
 Judy Tenuta
% 
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
 John Mendoza
% 
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
 Steven Wright
% 
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
 skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
 Conan O'Brien
% 
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they
 would only play with each other."
 Rita Rudner
% 
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
 pumpkin."
 Winston Spear
% 
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span
 and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
 congressman."
 Bruce Baum
% 
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
 That's why you should never date a baseball player."
 Marsha Warfield
% 
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
 language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe.
 But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
 aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
 Jeff Stilson 
% 
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
 that's how dogs spend their lives."
 Sue Murphy 
% 
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
 is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
 friends.  If they are okay, then it's you."
 Rita Mae Brown
% 
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.
 One day, he took me aside and left me there."
 Ron Richards
% 
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
 something else."
 Lily Tomlin 
% 
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
 same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
 Rita Rudner
% 
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years
 old.  At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
 Drew Carey
% 
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
 already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
 Yakov Smirnoff
% 
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
 Bill Maher
% 
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
 image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
 it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
 of the body before you do the wash."
 Jerry Seinfeld
% 
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
 people make up 75 percent of the population."
 David Letterman
% 
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing
 and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."
 Bob Saget
% 
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
 Gomorrah an apology."
 Jay Leno
% 
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
 faraway."
 Billiam Coronell
% 
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope
 not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
 Larry Miller 
% 
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
 Lily Tomlin
% 
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
 Pretty  impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
 Swiss Army knifethey have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
 Corkscrews. Bottleopeners. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
 the guy in back of me,he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
 clippers right here.'"
 Jerry Seinfeld
% 
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
 fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
 learner."
 Lynda Montgomery
% 
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
 it."
 Steven Wright 
% 
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
 be dead."
 Johnny Carson
% 
"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
 John Mendoza
% 
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
 above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
 Bruce Baum
% 
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
 standing up really fast."
 Johnathan Katz
% 
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
 God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
 Lily Tomlin 
% 
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
 accept God's final word on where your lips end."
 Jerry Seinfeld
% 
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
 said,'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
 cold enough.Let's go west.'"
 Richard Jeni 
% 
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down
 in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
 Steven Wright
% 
"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'UH-O!
 A truck!'"
 Emo Phillips
%
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
 Unknown
%
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
 George Carlin
%
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
 George Carlin
%
"Atheism is a nonprophet organization."
 George Carlin
%
"If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
 apes?"
 George Carlin
%
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
 girls live."
 George Carlin
%
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help
 section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
 George Carlin
%
"Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
 as ghosts but as mattresses?"
 George Carlin
%
"If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?"
 George Carlin
%
"If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
 is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?"
 George Carlin
%
"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
 it considered a hostage situation?"
 George Carlin
%
"Is there another word for synonym?"
 George Carlin
%
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'"
 George Carlin
%
"Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'"
 George Carlin
%
"What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
 plant?"
 George Carlin
%
"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?"
 George Carlin
%
"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"
 George Carlin
%
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
 clean them?"
 George Carlin
%
"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"
 George Carlin
%
"Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?"
 George Carlin
%
"Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?"
 George Carlin
%
"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
 remain silent?"
 George Carlin
%
"Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?"
 George Carlin
%
"How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?"
 George Carlin
%
"Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
 George Carlin
%
"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"
 George Carlin
%
"I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are."
 George Carlin
%
"It's not BRAIN SURGERY, after all... but what do you think will happen
 when it IS brain surgery?"
 Roger Hedgecock, regarding the Clinton 'Health Care' plan
%
"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative
 in creating the Internet."
 Vice President AlGore, in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, 3/9/99
%
 Officer Murtagh:  "God hates me, that's what"
 Officer Riggs:  "Hate him back.  Works for me."
 from Lethal Weapon (the original)
%
"When God closes a door, he opens a window - and throws out the contents
 of his chamber pot right on top of your head."
 (unknown)
%
"Death solves all problems.  No man, no problem."
 Joseph Stalin
%
"What part of the Kama Sutra did THAT maneuver come from?"
 (unknown)
%
"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my
 contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the
 spinal cord would suffice."
 Albert Einstein
%
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
 Albett Einstein
%
"If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough."
 Albert Einstein
%
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
 Albert Einstein
%
"Logic will get you from A to B.  Imagination will take you everywhere."
 Albert Einstein
%
"The greatest enemy of truth is very often not the lie - deliberate,
 contrived and dishonest - but the myth - persistent, persuasive and
 unrealistic."
 John F. Kennedy
%
"It is a paradoxical truth that tax rates are too high today, and tax
 revenues are too low, and the soundest way to raise the revenues in
 the long run is to cut the tax rates."
 John F. Kennedy
%
"Liberals attempt through judicial activism what they cannot win at
 the ballot box."
 Rush Limbaugh
%
"No nation ever taxed itself into prosperity."
 Rush Limbaugh
%
"We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of
 our friends."
 Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation
 where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the
 content of their character."
 Martin Luther King, Jr.
%
"Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said."
 Mel Brooks
%
"Humor is just another defense against the universe."
 Mel Brooks
%
"If you're quiet, you're not living.  You've got to be noisy and
 colorful and lively."
 Mel Brooks
%
"Feminists don't like me, and I don't like them."
 Mel Gibson
%
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an
 idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" 
 George Carlin
%
"An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been
 done before.  An American is a person who does things because they
 haven't been done before."
 Mark Twain
%
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes
 you nothing; it was here first."
 Mark Twain
%
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness."
 Mark Twain
%
"It's the soldier who salutes the flag, serves the flag, whose coffin
 is draped with the flag that allows the protester to burn the flag!!!"
 David A Thompson, U.S. Army (Retired)
%
